Missing in Action

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything and that’s because I fucked up again and got myself in trouble.  I was playing around on yahoo - which for the most part I think is a joke, but on occasion you do meet someone worth talking to and that’s what I thought I did.  I ended up giving out the blog’s address and did not ask Daddy for permission first.  Honestly, for a second or two, I thought about keeping this little indiscretion to myself, but I couldn’t do it.  I had to tell him the truth about what I had done, even if that meant a horrible fate for me…..complete honesty is key to making a Master/slave relationship work.  He was pissed.  He’s warned me time and time again of the dangers of the internet and how I’m way too trusting of people for my own good.  I knew I was in for it when he refused to talk to me anymore.  I was expecting to get beaten or ass raped but instead he took away the computer.  Somehow that was more of a jolt to me than any of the other methods of discipline he’s tried.  I’m a masochist, even though it hurt in a bad way and was done for punishment, I like being beaten and ass raped.  Taking away the computer was taking away everything from me.  My life.  My blog, reading blogs, mahjong, music, you tube, surfing the net, World of Warcraft, the Sims and Diner Dash games (yes I’m almost 32 and I enjoy these kid’s games) all these things were gone from me for 3 days and if I did anything else during that time, he would extend the number of days.  I became the picture of obedience.  I kneeled at his feet and never moved.  My limbs were screaming, but I never moved.  When he needed something, I was johnny on the spot getting it for him.  We talked and I was angry at myself.  I was punishing myself too.  I wanted to show him that I am a good girl.  I can and want to obey.   

Thursday after Daddy came home from work, ate, watched t.v. and unwound -  he started playing with my nipples and I was rubbing his cock until he was nice and hard.  I got down off the couch and gave him one of my best blow jobs (had to prove I was going to be a good girl) *smiles*  only I didn’t get to drink his cum…he pulled me up and threw me down on the couch (our new couches are seeing a lot of action) he entered me rough and hard and at a very uncomfortable angle for me.  He fucked me three ways from Sunday and when he was done, I could barely move.  After the soreness in my neck, shoulders, back and legs settled down - my right groin area was hurting.  He had pulled my groin muscle.  I had a sex injury!  He smiled and laughed when I told him.  Evil man that he is - he thought it was funny and that it added a little something extra to my punishment. 

Friday I ran errands in the morning and with every step I took, my groin muscle would ache, but I was actually getting a little thrill out of it *grins*  Daddy had to work 7pm - 7am.  and after I got the kids in bed, I was really lonely and missing Daddy.  I couldn’t play on the internet and after a while t.v. is so blah…I called Daddy and talked to him for a while.  I asked his permission to masturbate and sleep having my favorite dildo inside me.  That’s one of my favorite things to do sometimes…..walk around all day or sleep with my favorite pink ribbed jelly dildo inside me.  Daddy gave me permission.  When all else fails and you need a little pick me up - masturbating works just fine *smiles* I got out the one I call “Big John” It’s about the size of an average forearm.  In penis terms - it’s fucking huge.  Sometimes you just need that extra humph.  I like to straddle it and ride it, then bounce on it for a while.  Doesn’t take long to feel the building of an orgasm and I hold it off….I’m thinking about my favorite fantasy - the one about a threesome.  I can’t wait to see my husband fuck another woman.  I want to see her pussy dripping wet and begging to be fucked.  I want to see him pound the hell out of her.  To watch as his cock goes in and out over and over….that brought the waves of an orgasm crashing down on me so hard I couldn’t have stopped it if I wanted to.  It was heavenly.  My groin muscle was screaming, but who cares!  I had just had the best orgasm of my life (I say that about every orgasm I have) *smiles* I collapsed on the couch and just watched t.v. for a while.  An hour or two later, I’m bored and lonely again and I call Daddy.  After getting off the phone with him, I settle back on to the couch and I’m feeling…..aroused.  My nipples are starting to get hard so I play with them to get them big, full, and hard as rocks.  Pulling and twisting and causing pain….then I work my way down to my cunt…soaking wet and begging to be rubbed.  Already been fucked hard - this time it just wants to be rubbed.  I’m rubbing my pussy/clit with one hand and pinching/abusing my nipples with the other and I’m having these flashes of images in my head.  Pain.  Blood.  Rape.  Beatings.  Savage.  Brutal.  Tears.  Screaming.  I flashed on the rape images alot…single man, 2 men, a gang, different variations but always the forced submission and cruelty.  I didn’t try to hold the orgasm back, I just let it violently shake out of me until I collapsed on the couch panting like a dog… I had just had the best orgasm of my life *grins*  I’m dizzy and exhausted and my pulled groin muscle is hating me, but I was having a self fuck fest so who cares!  So a few hours go by and I’m getting ready for bed, I insert the dildo and instantly the feeling of having something inside me, makes me want to fuck it.  I call Daddy to tell him it’s inside me and to say goodnight.  I go off to bed and I’m giddy with the anticipation of masturbating again.  It’s like I’m 12 and have discovered it for the first time.  Laying in bed, I’m thinking of Daddy being there with me and of all the things we’ve done in our bed and my hands find their way to my hardening nipples.  I reach down and fuck myself with my dildo for while.  In and out…sometimes slow, sometimes fast, but always thinking about Daddy and me.  His dominance, my submission.  His cruelty and my need to be abused.  I think about him there hurting me and I’m imagining things like him nailing my tits to a board and I cum with such a force that I couldn’t move.  It was the best orgasm of my life! *smiles*  I was completely paralysed for a few minutes and then I was exhausted.  My groin muscle had had enough abuse and so had I.  I fell asleep happy and satisfied and thinking about Daddy and the feeling of the dildo inside me.

Saturday Daddy slept in until 2 pm after being up all night at work.  My pulled groin muscle was letting me know it didn’t appreciate the masturbation marathon.  I wanted to rest and kick back, but there was too much that had to be done.  It’s really hard to be just one person waiting on 3 people hand and foot.  I know one day the kids will be older and can do more for themselves, but damn…being mommy and slave is hard work.  Normally I’m a night owl, but I asked for permission to go to bed at 11pm. 

Sunday, I’ve done my time for my crime and my “grounding” is over.  I got access to the computer back and I’m soooo happy!  Taking away the computer was a very effective punishment.  It got my attention and will definitely make me think before I act again.  It was a good learning experience.  I focused on Daddy and was a better slave to him and that’s the important thing *smiles*  However, if I go MIA for a few days again - I’ve probably done something and have been grounded from the internet, but I’ll be back - eventually lol.  I think he’s found himself a winner - the thought of losing the internet strikes more fear in my heart than the thought of his belt or ass rape does.  Damn masochists *grins*

Pictures of This and That…

Everything here is rolling right along *smiles*  We haven’t had the time or energy to play in a while…kids, work and life always seem to get in the way - grrr.  I wanted to post something that wasn’t about me getting myself in trouble and since I don’t have any new playtime stories to share, I asked Daddy if I could post some of our older pictures and he said I could so here they are…enjoy!

Posing for Daddy - look close at my writsts and you can see the branding marks Daddy did with a cigarette…hurt like hell!!

This is my red ass after Daddy spanked me

This is my whipped ass and Daddy fisting me

Boob shot with “slave” carved into my tit

I took this picture myself…very hard to do

Me posing for Daddy wearing my cuffs and chains

This is a circular piercing Daddy did on my back

Least Complicated

Daddy and I have been going through a rough patch.  Living this lifestyle is really hard when you have small kids, I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again, little kids are more demanding than any Dom/Master ever thought of being.  You can’t very well whip mommy right there on the couch in front of them and by the time they go to bed - you’re both exhausted.  This is the ugly reality side to  Lifestyle M/s relationships.  It’s not all orgasms and beatings.  *sighs heavily and shrugs*

I did get my ass raped for the other night.  No lube, rough and on the new couch - there’s a fine way to break it in…only it’s me he’s trying to break in.  I’m having trouble with submission…it’s like I forget the definition of slavery and if, ok - when we have an argument I still want to argue and be right.  I want to win the fight.  I’m still resisting.  Grieving maybe for what was and the loss of freedom, learning to submit to another’s will  even when I don’t want to!  That is the hardest thing for me to do - when I’m angry, especially at him, to obey.  It pisses me off.  Obviously I’m doing a lousy job at being obedient because every post on this blog has been about me screwing up in one way or another lol *smiles* 

It’s like that song by the Indigo Girls, “Least Complicated”  the hardest to learn was the least complicated.  If I would submit to him ALL the time, I would avoid 4 days of crap like we’ve been going through.  It’s very simple in theory and fantasy to submit to another person all the time, but it’s very different in reality - or at least it is for me. 

I need to call Daddy and apologize.  I’m sure there will be more punishment of somekind and I need to accept it and not pout after.  I have a real problem with  getting the “How dare you do this to me” look on my face when he punishes me and acting bitchy.  Those are the times when I need to remember my place and when it’s over, it’s over and we go on….instead of me then wanting to punish him for punishing me.  It doesn’t have to be so complicated - I do it to myself by resisting the very thing I want….his total control over me.  Oh, the hardest to learn is the least complicated *smiles*

Confused and Angry

The title pretty much sums it up.  I’m confused and I’m angry.  In my last post, I described how I had failed him again by not keeping my attitude and mouth in check.  He didn’t tell me exactly what my punishment would be, but did say “You’ll live through it.”  Now, that had me scared and excited all in one.  I love the display of pure power….the whole I have control and you have nothing thing.  When he got home - I was prepared for just about anything.  What he did was….whip me with his leather belt 60 times.  That’s it.  It hurt, I’m not saying it didn’t, but I was expecting something….more.  I was expecting and wanting him to really take me under his hand and lay down the law.  I was expecting bruises and possible bleeding.  I just took the words “You’ll live through it” to mean something more sinister and cruel.  I feel like I got off scott free with just 60 lashes from a belt.  Why am I complaining?  Seriously, how fucked up is it to complain because he didn’t punish me in the way I wanted?  It just seems to me that the more submissive I am the less dominating he becomes.  I start to wonder why bother?  Just being his wife would be so much easier.  I don’t want that.  I would be miserable.  Here is an example of something he does that makes me wonder about things - I’ll have the air conditioner on and he’ll want to turn it off.  Instead of ordering me to do it, he gets up to do it himself after asking me if I mind!?!  That pisses me off to no end.  Makes me feel like the roles are reversed and I’m the Domme all of a sudden.  It’s very confusing and unnerving or at least it is to me.  Other examples are - I’m suppose to keep all the kid’s bath toys out of the tub so he doesn’t step all over them taking a shower.  Sometimes I forget and instead of calling me to the bathroom to fix it…he just puts them away himself.  I know it sounds petty and childish, but if these rules aren’t going to be enforced…then what’s the point of having them?  It makes me feel like he doesn’t care if I do it or not.  It’s not important.  It doesn’t matter.  So after a while of things like this….I start playing the brat and trying to figure out if this lifestyle is important to him too.

Today has pretty much been yesterday part 2.  We’re fighting again.  Maybe I am testing him and pushing him…all things a slave isn’t suppose to do, but we’re all fucking human too.  We’re fighting again because I’m being the biggest bitch on the planet and waiting to see what he does about it.  Guess I just earned the “brat” title.  Alright fine, so I’m a brat….sue me. 

Sometimes I think about just dropping the whole M/s thing.  I would miss it something terrible and I don’t think I could actually drop it for long.  I believe it’s apart of your soul and you’ll keep searching and looking for something to fill the void but nothing ever will.  God, I hope we get this issue resolved soon…my stomach has been in knots all day.

Room for Improvement

Well……I’ve fucked up again.  I knew my “perfect docile servitude” couldn’t last.  I’m one of those overly dramatic bitches and if EVERYTHING isn’t wonderful, then NOTHING is. 

We were up late again last night.  Daddy doesn’t get home until almost midnight and even though I’m ready to go to bed….he wants me up to spend time with him sans kids.  So of course, night after night, I stay up to be with him.  I love these times we have alone together, I just wish it wasn’t at 2am.  Anyway, we didn’t get to bed until almost 4am and the kids got up around 8:30am…so I got 4 and half hours of sleep.  Made me kinda cranky….kinda bitchy….  I woke Daddy up at 11am - his usual time to get up and I was pissed.  I started to feel “put upon” and like a martyr.  Slave thinking went out the window…I was exhausted and pissed off that he got to sleep in and I never do.  Yeah, ok, I should just cheerfully accept that I am a Slave and by definition ….I get all the grunt work.  Most of the time I do ok with knowing that I’m giving and giving and probably won’t get anything in return.  Why should I get rewarded for remembering my place and doing my “job”?  Still, there are times when I wish he would see how tired I am…how I’m burning the candles at both ends and eventually I’m going to burn out.  It’s really hard being a stay at home mom with a 3 year old and an almost 7 month old infant.  They are more demanding than any Dom ever thought of being.  I get frustrated.  I get angry.  I get bitchy.  I get it in my head that I can blow up at him and take all my frustrations out on him.  I think everyone in a relationship does that whether you are kinky or not.  I’m feeling guilty now.  I blindsided him and started screaming about how tired I am, the laundry that needs to be done and a bunch of other shit.  He at first seemed shocked like invasion of the body snatchers had happened and I wasn’t really me.  Then he saw I was having one of those “Woman loses her damn mind” moments and ignored me.  Well, being female and already in a bad mood, I figured I was already in trouble so why not just go for broke and let it all out.  Before anyone blasts me for my unslave like behaviour or thinking - I never claimed to be the perfect submissive slave.  I’m so flawed it’s not pretty. 

 Eventually after slamming a few doors and good cry (on my own, not a Daddy induced cry) I fell alseep on our bed and took a nap.  He woke me up before he left for work…I’m a sulker.  Even when I’m sorry and I know I’m wrong, I’m embarrassed to admit it and face it and accept responsibility for it.  Childish?  probably.  He left for work an hour ago and I’m just now starting to calm down.  I’m scared and nervous of what my punishment will be.  I’m hoping there isn’t one, seriously doubt that’s gonna happen, but I can hope.  I’m currently having my monthly friend visit, so I don’t know if he’ll still do the ass rape punishment….this definitely warranted it though.  I don’t know, I’m all kinds of confused and torn up inside.  Everything feels wrong in my relationship so everything feels wrong in the world.  Apologizing only does so much.  You can’t erase the memories or the pain your words caused. 

I need to watch that “self-righteous” attitude I get.  That was what it was this morning….I started to feel put upon and it pissed me off.  I started thinking all kinds of unslave like things and my actions soon followed.

 I’m feeling guilty….I yelled at him and acted like a total bitch and he let get my pink highlights touched up yesterday.  It cost him $120 and he said he was happy to do it because I earned it for being so good….HA…I blew that.  He let me have something nice for myself and it wasn’t cheap and this is how I say thank you?  I am a bitch.   I do deserve whatever is coming to me.  Can’t say I’m happy about it.  Not looking forward to it.  I’m a little nervous because when I talked to him on the phone and asked about it, all he said was “You’ll live through it.”  Not liking the sound of that at all.  Tried to sweet talk and weasel my way out of it…didn’t work.  Now, I guess I’m sulking…I don’t know.  I’m just making it worse for myself and I know it and yet I can’t help it.  I want so much to please him and make him so happy.  I’m not striving for perfection - I know that’s unrealistic, but I want to be better than I currently am.  Lots of room for improvement here.  You’d think after 12 years he’d have me pretty well trained and I am….I know what he likes and doesn’t like.  I know all of his preferences and quirks.  I know what I’m suppose to do and how he wants it done…I’ve learned all of those things.  What I have never - ever- learned how to do is shut the hell up.  Can’t do it.  Never could.  Defiant to the end, that’s me.  I don’t want to be a “brat” and I’m dangerously close to getting that label.  I want to be his “good girl”  I want to earn rewards like having my hair done or my nails done.  I just want him to look at me with a smile on his face and to know I’ve made him happy and proud.

Sexual Fantasy

I asked Daddy for permission to write about my favorite sexual fantasy and he said I could.  *big grin*  It’s about Daddy and me fucking another woman.  About 95% of the time I masturbate - I think about this scenario.  A few variations here and there, but he always fucks her and I always get to watch or participate…mmmm…getting horny thinking about it.  Here it is….

I come home from work early one day, walk in the front door and find my husband fucking another woman on our couch.  I’m stunned and drop my purse.  He sees me, stares right into my eyes, but never stops fucking her.  He’s taking her doggy style…she’s grinding on his cock and moaning in pure extacey.  Daddy smiles at me and as he grabs her hips and just rams her hard.  Watching his swollen cock go in and out of her dripping wet pussy makes me so wet, I can’t stand it anymore and start taking off my clothes.  I go over and get down in her face and ask her if she’s enjoying fucking my husband…she moans yes.  I can tell Daddy is enjoying her and that to me is a feeling of joy I can’t describe.  He pulls out, she turns over and he cums all over her tits.  He gets up and goes over to the loveseat to smoke a cigarette.  She’s laying there all sweaty and panting with Daddy’s cum dripping off of her breasts.  I lean down and lick it off of her…she just looks at me and smiles…I lick her nipples and suck on them while I’m cleaning the cum off.  She lays back, spreading her legs and she’s still so damn wet!  The juices are running and the smell…..mmm….the unmistakable smell of pussy.  I spread her lips apart and just drive straight in - now my tongue is where my husband’s cock was just moments before.  I’m fingering her…first with one finger then two…then three and four and before long my entire hand is inside her and I’m fisting her.  I look over at Daddy and he’s just laid back, smoking his cigarette and enjoying the show.  I ram my hand into her hard while rubbing her clit with the other hand until she cums….to feel her orgasm from the inside….wow.  I rub on her back, stroke her hair and play with her nipples until she recovers from the explosive orgasm.  Then she kisses me.  Long, strong, full of desire…she’s on top of me…torturing my tits, squeezing my nipples hard, pulling, and tugging on them.  She starts sucking on my nipples, pulling on them with her teeth and biting them.  She makes her way down to my soaked pussy and runs her hand up and down my slit just teasing me.  Finally, she pulls my lips apart and starts licking and sucking….she fingers me and flicks her tongue on my clit until I have a screaming orgasm.  Next she pulls out the double ended dildo and we scissor eachother like mad…just going at it…our cunts rubbing together as we both grind on the fake cock…both of us cumming again.  By now, Daddy has another hard on….so he decides to join our fun.  He sits down on the couch and has her kneel in front of him on the floor, insert a dildo and suck his cock.  I enjoy watching her mouth move up and down his shaft…I love the relaxed and content look on Daddy’s face.  He’s getting closer and she’s bobbing her head and sucking his cock and I’m torturing my own nipples and playing with a vibrator on my clit.  Then Daddy cums and I do too…I have her lay on her back on the floor and I take that dildo and ram it into her as far as it will go…in and out…in and out… and Daddy is all over her tits….sucking, licking, and biting.  She cums with such force her limbs involuntarily spasm after.  The end.  The fantasy usually stops after all the sex because I’ve orgasmed by then.  I don’t put alot of thought into who she is or where/how they met or what happens afterwards….it’s a sex fantasy not a book lol. *smiles*

Ok, after writing that out - I’m horny and wishing I had a playmate to do all these things with already.  Fantasy is nice and some would say better, but I disagree.  I have this burning desire to witness and experience these things.  I think adding a third person could be spectacular.  I’m not worried about him falling love with her or them running off to Mexico together.  I know he loves me.  Sex isn’t love and love isn’t sex.  All men can separate the two and only a few women can….I happen to be one of those lucky few that can separate.   Maybe there would be feelings involved and attachments made…I don’t know.  I don’t think it would be such a terrible thing. 

Daddy’s given his permission for me to start looking for her.  I’m starting with the internet…seemed like the logical place to start.  I have an ad out so wish me luck and fingers crossed! *grins*

A Stich in Time….

Daddy says my behaviour and attitude have improved since the other night.  I’m very happy to hear that because I’ve been trying really hard to kick it up a notch in my servitude.  I try to catch myself with my tone of voice and I try to think now before speaking.  It’s not the threat of the ass rape punishment that’s really motivating me though I do keep it in mind….it’s knowing that I was backsliding and not being what he wants and I want.  I love him so much it physically hurts.  Even after all these years, I still get butterflies when I hear his key turn in the lock and I know he’s home.  I want so much to be the best slave I can be for him.  I’m not perfect, hell, I’m as flawed as the next person and thankfully it isn’t perfection he’s after.  He just wants me to remember my place, be respectful and obedient.  I can do that. 

We did some needle and cutting play last night.  This time we also added something new….suture.  I was as excited as Daddy was to be trying it because I’ve wanted him to cut me and sew me up for a really long time.  Now that I have my stitches…I want more.  A never satisfied little bitch - that’s me.  *grins*

He starts out with a beating….letting me get any negativity out and clear my head.  He’s standing behind me, hugging me and suddenly just hauls off and punches me in the back.  I stumble and fall and he’s on top of me punching my arms and back repeatedly.  I’m on my hands and knees, holding on to his legs and staring at his shoes and crying so hard.  It’s a weird mindset that puts me in.  I love it.  I guess maybe some would yell “abuse” but it’s not.  Purely consensual…I want, need and crave everything he gives me.  I may not always like it or want to do it, but hey such is life and you do it anyway.  When he stopped, he held me and comforted me and allowed me to have a cigarette before we started our blood letting.

He has me lay down on the sleeping bag which is also my slave mat on the nights he deems I need to sleep on the floor.  He doesn’t tie me down anymore but in the beginning he use to.  I was so nervous and scared, I needed the restraints to keep me from jumping up and running for the door.  Now, I’m loving every second…maybe not at the time it’s happening because the pain is so fucking intense…but love it none the less.  I’m proud of the fact that I can lay perfectly still while he pierces my skin, slices my skin, and sews it back up.  I use to flinch…not good when doing a cutting.  You have to be perfectly still because if you move at the wrong moment…well…things could go bad and a trip to the ER is not a part of the fun - or at least it isn’t for us.

Everyone’s been given a shot with a needle at some point in their lives, so you know what that feels like.  Imagine it happening over and over again.   He pinches the skin on my back and then slides a needle through it…the pain is sharp and intense.  I do ok in the beginning…I’m stoic, taking it like a man….and then I crumble - I’m trying to breath through the pain and not move.  Once he has all his needles in - he pauses to smoke a cigarette and admire his handy work so far.  I’m still laying on the floor motionless because I feel like my left shoulder blade has just been nailed to the floor and I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. 

Next he gets out the razor blade.  With the needles through my skin, he cuts them out.  Instead of just pulling them out like he usually does, this time, he cuts them out.  Let me tell you - It fucking hurt!!!! I was breathing like I was in labor.   I’m moaning and melting with the pain….trying to wrap my mind around it.  I could feel a “pop” when he got down to where the needles were and that was a very weird sensation.  The feel of the blade digging deeper and deeper - I’m screaming on the inside and then (after what felt like eternity)  he was done, they were all out.  The blood is mostly pooling in the open wounds instead of running freely like it normally does.  I’m already feeling so sore.  The place on my back is also one of the places he was punching - so it was tender to begin with.

Then the suture….ahhh…  Been waiting for this for a long time and yes it was everything I’d hoped for.  We need to get a needle driver and since we don’t have one yet, Daddy used his fingers to push and pull the needle through.  He also isn’t a medical person and this was his first time sewing skin together so it took a while.  I could feel the string on the needle sliding through my skin and that was pretty fucking cool.  The pain seemed to last forever….as much I wanted the session to end - I didn’t.  Then when he was done, I pried my sore body off the floor and went to look at it in the mirror.   Oh my God, it couldn’t have turned out any better than it did.  He did an amazing job!  I love, love, LOVE it and am so proud to be wearing it.  The pain, the scars, the blood, the tears, all of it is so wonderful.  *smiles*

We started with the needles…….

This is after Master cut the needles out……..

He cleaned the wounds and got ready to sew…

These are my stitches and I’m sooo happy to be wearing them…

Update: When will I learn?

Master did call me one more time from work.  We talked, I apologized again, he forgave me, but said it still wasn’t going to save my ass.  I met him at the front door and he didn’t look very happy to see me.  We ate dinner and when it was over, he asked me if I was ready…NO, but it’s coming and I know it.  So I take my clothes off and bend over the chair.

He laid into my ass hard!  I thought there was no way in hell I could hold still and take it….but I did.  I lost my grace somewhere along the way and was screaming, yelling and just on the verge of tears when it was over.  I had made it and lasted 40 rounds with his belt.  So why did I suddenly feel worse instead of better?  I had apologized and taken my punishment, all would be forgiven, so what the hell was my problem now?  I am a woman and sometimes the hormonal shit woman have going on, gets on my nerves.  I can only imagine how a man feels about it.

Turns out being on the verge of tears but not actually crying messed me up.  I needed that emotional release.  I needed to cry but was too embarrassed to ask for it.  Maybe I was waiting for him to guess….it was just too hard for me to say “Daddy, I need to cry, will you please make me?”  What’s so hard about saying that sentence?  Nothing.  Yet, I couldn’t do it.  He was getting really frustrated with me again because I wouldn’t/couldn’t say what I needed and he sent me away.  I laid on our bed and cried, but it wasn’t the hard, heavy, snot running, eyes stinging kind of cry I needed.  It was soft, quiet, trying not to let him know I was crying.  He knew.  He came in there and asked me if I felt better.  No.  He takes me back out in the living room and sits me down on the couch.  He informs me he’s tired of these games and that the next time he asks me what’s wrong, I’m to tell him, or the punishment for not doing as I’m told will be severe.  He says he thinks the belt is losing it’s effectiveness at keeping me in line and now he’s going to try something else….something he’s done in the past and let me tell you - it’s a real attention getter.  I know what he’s talking about, but he wants me to tell him so it’s crystal clear that I know what’s in store for me should I fuck up again.  The punishment will be ass rape.  Anal sex, rough and with no lube.  He’s done that to me only once before and it was a really effective punishment….I was the pleasing, kneeling, docile slut he wanted….for  a while.  Like everything else, time goes by and you kind of “forget” and slip back into old habits.  Not anymore.  Having ass rape hanging over my head, I’ll do whatever I have to do to please him and make him so happy he can’t stand it.

So, back to the crying.  I finally owned up to what it was I needing and I was so ashamed and embarrassed asking for it.  He didn’t waste anytime….grabbed me by a handful of hair and shoved me off the couch onto the floor and slapped me across the face….immediately the water works begin.  Then he’s punching me…literally with his fist, punching me in the back, the thigh/hip area, the stomach, the arms, pretty much wherever he could find that didn’t have internal organs behind it.  I’m wailing and crying so fucking hard.  It hurt, God it hurt, but it was delicious at the same time.  I was getting exactly what I needed and loved it.  He threw me back on the couch and punched me some more.  It must take incredible self control on the Master’s part not to go too far because it would be very easy too.  He’s calling me all sorts of filthy names and making me feel so small and below him and I don’t ever want it to stop….but it does. *sighs*  It was literally a night and day difference.  I felt refreshed, clean, centered, whole, and on top of the world.  It was exactly what I needed and I felt angry at myself for not just saying so in the beginning.  I’ve been with him for 12 years….why is it still so hard to confess when I need the abuse?

We played on World of Warcraft for a little while after - imagine that *grins*  My character is submissive to his character.  She kneels at his feet when they are stopped anywhere, his character slaps my character across the face…it’s pretty hot.  I can’t believe a fucking computer game turns me on.  Then it was time to go to bed….I felt better but I wanted to feel closer to him - the kind of intimacy that sex brings.  I snuggled up next to him and asked him to make love to me….he paused and said he’d rather just fuck me - either way, an expression of love is an expression of love.  He fucked me long and hard until I was begging for him to fill me with his cum.  He did *smiles* 

This morning as I’m writing this update, my back is so sore from where he was punching me.  I feel like it should leave marks/bruises/something, but I don’t bruise easily.  I hate that…I wish I could bruise easier because I absolutely LOVE wearing the marks he leaves on my body.  I’m not saying he never bruises me, he does, but I’m just one of those hard-to-bruise kind of people.  Anyway, I feel the soreness from it and remember why it’s there and that makes me feel happy and content.

When will I ever learn?

When exactly will I learn that I’m not in charge, this is not 50/50 and though he listens to my ideas and plans, I don’t have the final say in what’s done.  Guess who’s in trouble…again.  I don’t mean to, I really don’t.  Just sometimes I get so wound up, my ability to control my mouth just goes out the window.  I say shit I know I shouldn’t say or say it in a way that is less than respectful.  

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me, it’s really quite simple when you pause to think about it.  They say and we obey.  Do as you are told……it sounds easy enough.  I do well, I think, for awhile and then I “forget” my place and start backsliding.  It sucks.  I like it much better when he’s pleased with me and happy.  I feel happy then too.  Knowing I’ve angered my Daddy is the worst feeling in the world.  I don’t feel like I even deserve to call him Daddy right now.  

Ok, back to what I did to get myself in trouble again.  I was disrespectful and rude on the phone to Daddy again tonight.  I don’t know when I’m ever going to learn to shut my mouth.  Same scenario - baby was finally asleep, the 3 yr. old was occupied and I jumped on the computer to play World of Warcraft and steal a few minutes alone….then the phone rang.  To your credit Sir - you have impeccable timing. *smiles*  I was frustrated because I was trying to de-stress and then one more stress popped up….sorry…see it’s this line of thinking that’s getting my ass in so much trouble.  Master is not ”just another problem to deal with.”  So I was snippy and bitchy and pushing buttons because I was in a pissy mood so why not share the joy?  He let me know in no uncertain terms that I had royally fucked up and he wasn’t going to put up with this shit anymore.  He also told me I wouldn’t hear from him again until he got home.  Needless to say that took all the wind out of my sails.  The only thing I wanted to do after that was talk to him again.  I wanted him to call me back and that’s the thing I was acting all bitchy about in the first place.  I’m dreading him coming home.  I’m not really a pain whore, I don’t act out on purpose to get his attention…ok, maybe in the past I did - but I’ve matured since then *grins* Honestly, I don’t enjoy being a brat…I would much much rather be his good girl and get praised.  I just seem to have a long road to go to get there.

It was much easier before we had kids….I love those little boogers to death, but they’ve really put a cramp in my style.  Being home all day/night with 2 small kids is a job and it’s exhausting.  Little people needing/wanting/screaming/crying/yelling/jumping all day and all night and you’re the one they are doing it to.  My problem is learning how to balance it all.  Balance….does it really even exist?  I’m trying and failing.  I know I get caught up in it all and feeling frazzled, but hell, who doesn’t?  I could’ve vented in a respectful way, I could have made my feelings and mindset known to him in a better way.  This is good, very therapeutic, I feel like I’m learning….too bad it won’t save my ass from what’s in store when he gets home. 

Fucktoy

No matter how exhausted I am at the end of the day, I have to remember to be a respectful fuck-toy.  I have to learn to shut my mouth and just do as I’m told.  I keep wanting to back-seat drive and that’s not good.  It’s not up to me to decide if, when or where I’m called upon to serve.

In addition to being his housewife whore, I’m also a mom with two small kids at home with me all day….all night….all day….all night….can you tell I’m about over it?  Anyway, he called me on the phone and I was kinda short with him….even go as far as to say rude.  I called back to apologize, he accepted my apology, but informed me I was still getting spanked when he got home.  I understand, I do….but I want to plead my case!  I had just gotten the baby to take a nap and the 3 year old was occupied in his bedroom and I had a rare moment of peace and quiet alone - then the phone rang.  I would’ve been annoyed no matter who was on the other end, but knowing that it was Daddy….I should’ve checked myself before answering the phone in that “yeah what do you want?  you’re bugging me” kind of way.  Guess eventually I’ll learn….probably after my ass is black and blue.  Whatever it takes to get in line and please him.

Daddy works second shift, so he doesn’t get home until nearly midnight.  I’m wiped out from my day here with the ankle biters, but he wants me up and waiting for him….so I do. He says he didn’t forget and immediately I take my panties off, bend over the couch, he takes off his leather belt and whips me with it, really fucking hard, 10 times.  I know I deserved it…I just hate how much I seem to be fucking up lately.  Anyway, when the punishment is over, he relaxes and tells me about his day and I tell him about mine and I make him a plate of food and fetch whatever else he needs.

After he eats, we play a little World of Warcraft….I can’t help it, that game is fucking addictive…any other WoW fans out there…I’m a blood elf warlock level 25.  Daddy is a level 70 paladin and he’s helping me level my character…a form of cheating?  Maybe, but I love watching Daddy kick ass.  If anyone/thing fucks with me….Daddy swoops in and rescues my butt, I love that.  I just stand there like “Ha Ha, don’t fuck with me or you have to deal with HIM!”  Anyway, when he was over kicking ass on WoW…we went over to the couch to watch a little t.v. before going to bed.  Now, in all honesty….I wanted to go to sleep.  I love him, I love being with him, but when it’s nearly 2am and I know the kids are going to be awake and up by 9am….I’m guilty of being selfish and wanting as much sleep as I can get and I’m also guilty of believing I don’t get enough sleep.  So there you go.

He was laying on one end of the couch and had his feet propped up on my lap.  Then one of his feet made its way down towards my cunt and he told me to open my legs.  My first time being “toed” instead of “fingered”  it was really hot and I was so close to an orgasm so many times….but it didn’t happen.  I hate that.  You get right on the edge..you know you’re on the cliff about to fall over it and then nothing…your body fucking betrays you.  I ask if I can ride him and he allows it…I climb on top of him and start moving my hips and he puts his hands around my throat and I can’t breath.  I’m starting to feel light-headed.  I know it’s really revving him up, because while his hand are around my neck and I’m struggling to breath…he’s pumping my pussy harder and faster…he lets off the pressure around my throat just long enough for me to gasp a few breaths and then he’s choking me again.  I love that display of power, I love how it makes me feel so small, weak and so fucking wet.  I can’t think clearly with my air supply being cut off, but I’m pretty sure he’s about to explode.  Then he tell me to get off of him and to get down there and suck it.  I immediately do as I’m told and before long I’m down there sucking his cock like I’m sucking the chrome off a bumper.  He asks me how I like the taste of my pussy on his cock and since you can’t talk and deep throat - I gurgle yes.  Him asking how I liked the taste of pussy on his cock, makes me think of him fucking another woman and that’s just hot to me. It’s one of my favorite masturbation fantasies.  I know reality will be different than fantasy, but I’m not the jealous type.  I understand he’ll be sharing with her, things that were once only for me and I’m soooo looking forward to it.  I’ve always been bi-sexual and I’ve wanted to be with a another woman for a long time, I’ve kissed another female, but that’s as far as it ever went….Damn it.  When I first brought up the idea, he was all for watching some girl on girl action and then I threw the idea of him joining us out there…yeah, him fucking her was my idea.  Damn back seat drivers.  When he shot his load in my mouth and I was allowed to swallow…he told me I had been a good girl and I was going to get to have an orgasm!!! Yippee!  So sitting back on the couch, me leaning against him and he’s furiously rubbing my cunt/clit and I’m thinking about some unknown girlfriend we don’t have yet and all the fun the three of us will have together and an orgasm doesn’t elude me this time!  I came so damn hard I couldn’t catch my breath and my limbs were heavy and having involuntary spasms….damn, I love orgasms like that.

Going to ask permission to start the search for Ms. Right….this can’t remain a fantasy forever, I have to move forward with it….It’s just this desire in me to embrace and experience something I’ve always felt….I’m attracted to women and I want to know what it’s like to do more than just kiss her.