Well……I’ve fucked up again.  I knew my “perfect docile servitude” couldn’t last.  I’m one of those overly dramatic bitches and if EVERYTHING isn’t wonderful, then NOTHING is. 

We were up late again last night.  Daddy doesn’t get home until almost midnight and even though I’m ready to go to bed….he wants me up to spend time with him sans kids.  So of course, night after night, I stay up to be with him.  I love these times we have alone together, I just wish it wasn’t at 2am.  Anyway, we didn’t get to bed until almost 4am and the kids got up around 8:30am…so I got 4 and half hours of sleep.  Made me kinda cranky….kinda bitchy….  I woke Daddy up at 11am - his usual time to get up and I was pissed.  I started to feel “put upon” and like a martyr.  Slave thinking went out the window…I was exhausted and pissed off that he got to sleep in and I never do.  Yeah, ok, I should just cheerfully accept that I am a Slave and by definition ….I get all the grunt work.  Most of the time I do ok with knowing that I’m giving and giving and probably won’t get anything in return.  Why should I get rewarded for remembering my place and doing my “job”?  Still, there are times when I wish he would see how tired I am…how I’m burning the candles at both ends and eventually I’m going to burn out.  It’s really hard being a stay at home mom with a 3 year old and an almost 7 month old infant.  They are more demanding than any Dom ever thought of being.  I get frustrated.  I get angry.  I get bitchy.  I get it in my head that I can blow up at him and take all my frustrations out on him.  I think everyone in a relationship does that whether you are kinky or not.  I’m feeling guilty now.  I blindsided him and started screaming about how tired I am, the laundry that needs to be done and a bunch of other shit.  He at first seemed shocked like invasion of the body snatchers had happened and I wasn’t really me.  Then he saw I was having one of those “Woman loses her damn mind” moments and ignored me.  Well, being female and already in a bad mood, I figured I was already in trouble so why not just go for broke and let it all out.  Before anyone blasts me for my unslave like behaviour or thinking - I never claimed to be the perfect submissive slave.  I’m so flawed it’s not pretty. 

 Eventually after slamming a few doors and good cry (on my own, not a Daddy induced cry) I fell alseep on our bed and took a nap.  He woke me up before he left for work…I’m a sulker.  Even when I’m sorry and I know I’m wrong, I’m embarrassed to admit it and face it and accept responsibility for it.  Childish?  probably.  He left for work an hour ago and I’m just now starting to calm down.  I’m scared and nervous of what my punishment will be.  I’m hoping there isn’t one, seriously doubt that’s gonna happen, but I can hope.  I’m currently having my monthly friend visit, so I don’t know if he’ll still do the ass rape punishment….this definitely warranted it though.  I don’t know, I’m all kinds of confused and torn up inside.  Everything feels wrong in my relationship so everything feels wrong in the world.  Apologizing only does so much.  You can’t erase the memories or the pain your words caused. 

I need to watch that “self-righteous” attitude I get.  That was what it was this morning….I started to feel put upon and it pissed me off.  I started thinking all kinds of unslave like things and my actions soon followed.

 I’m feeling guilty….I yelled at him and acted like a total bitch and he let get my pink highlights touched up yesterday.  It cost him $120 and he said he was happy to do it because I earned it for being so good….HA…I blew that.  He let me have something nice for myself and it wasn’t cheap and this is how I say thank you?  I am a bitch.   I do deserve whatever is coming to me.  Can’t say I’m happy about it.  Not looking forward to it.  I’m a little nervous because when I talked to him on the phone and asked about it, all he said was “You’ll live through it.”  Not liking the sound of that at all.  Tried to sweet talk and weasel my way out of it…didn’t work.  Now, I guess I’m sulking…I don’t know.  I’m just making it worse for myself and I know it and yet I can’t help it.  I want so much to please him and make him so happy.  I’m not striving for perfection - I know that’s unrealistic, but I want to be better than I currently am.  Lots of room for improvement here.  You’d think after 12 years he’d have me pretty well trained and I am….I know what he likes and doesn’t like.  I know all of his preferences and quirks.  I know what I’m suppose to do and how he wants it done…I’ve learned all of those things.  What I have never - ever- learned how to do is shut the hell up.  Can’t do it.  Never could.  Defiant to the end, that’s me.  I don’t want to be a “brat” and I’m dangerously close to getting that label.  I want to be his “good girl”  I want to earn rewards like having my hair done or my nails done.  I just want him to look at me with a smile on his face and to know I’ve made him happy and proud.