The title pretty much sums it up.  I’m confused and I’m angry.  In my last post, I described how I had failed him again by not keeping my attitude and mouth in check.  He didn’t tell me exactly what my punishment would be, but did say “You’ll live through it.”  Now, that had me scared and excited all in one.  I love the display of pure power….the whole I have control and you have nothing thing.  When he got home - I was prepared for just about anything.  What he did was….whip me with his leather belt 60 times.  That’s it.  It hurt, I’m not saying it didn’t, but I was expecting something….more.  I was expecting and wanting him to really take me under his hand and lay down the law.  I was expecting bruises and possible bleeding.  I just took the words “You’ll live through it” to mean something more sinister and cruel.  I feel like I got off scott free with just 60 lashes from a belt.  Why am I complaining?  Seriously, how fucked up is it to complain because he didn’t punish me in the way I wanted?  It just seems to me that the more submissive I am the less dominating he becomes.  I start to wonder why bother?  Just being his wife would be so much easier.  I don’t want that.  I would be miserable.  Here is an example of something he does that makes me wonder about things - I’ll have the air conditioner on and he’ll want to turn it off.  Instead of ordering me to do it, he gets up to do it himself after asking me if I mind!?!  That pisses me off to no end.  Makes me feel like the roles are reversed and I’m the Domme all of a sudden.  It’s very confusing and unnerving or at least it is to me.  Other examples are - I’m suppose to keep all the kid’s bath toys out of the tub so he doesn’t step all over them taking a shower.  Sometimes I forget and instead of calling me to the bathroom to fix it…he just puts them away himself.  I know it sounds petty and childish, but if these rules aren’t going to be enforced…then what’s the point of having them?  It makes me feel like he doesn’t care if I do it or not.  It’s not important.  It doesn’t matter.  So after a while of things like this….I start playing the brat and trying to figure out if this lifestyle is important to him too.

Today has pretty much been yesterday part 2.  We’re fighting again.  Maybe I am testing him and pushing him…all things a slave isn’t suppose to do, but we’re all fucking human too.  We’re fighting again because I’m being the biggest bitch on the planet and waiting to see what he does about it.  Guess I just earned the “brat” title.  Alright fine, so I’m a brat….sue me. 

Sometimes I think about just dropping the whole M/s thing.  I would miss it something terrible and I don’t think I could actually drop it for long.  I believe it’s apart of your soul and you’ll keep searching and looking for something to fill the void but nothing ever will.  God, I hope we get this issue resolved soon…my stomach has been in knots all day.