Daddy and I have been going through a rough patch.  Living this lifestyle is really hard when you have small kids, I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again, little kids are more demanding than any Dom/Master ever thought of being.  You can’t very well whip mommy right there on the couch in front of them and by the time they go to bed - you’re both exhausted.  This is the ugly reality side to  Lifestyle M/s relationships.  It’s not all orgasms and beatings.  *sighs heavily and shrugs*

I did get my ass raped for the other night.  No lube, rough and on the new couch - there’s a fine way to break it in…only it’s me he’s trying to break in.  I’m having trouble with submission…it’s like I forget the definition of slavery and if, ok - when we have an argument I still want to argue and be right.  I want to win the fight.  I’m still resisting.  Grieving maybe for what was and the loss of freedom, learning to submit to another’s will  even when I don’t want to!  That is the hardest thing for me to do - when I’m angry, especially at him, to obey.  It pisses me off.  Obviously I’m doing a lousy job at being obedient because every post on this blog has been about me screwing up in one way or another lol *smiles* 

It’s like that song by the Indigo Girls, “Least Complicated”  the hardest to learn was the least complicated.  If I would submit to him ALL the time, I would avoid 4 days of crap like we’ve been going through.  It’s very simple in theory and fantasy to submit to another person all the time, but it’s very different in reality - or at least it is for me. 

I need to call Daddy and apologize.  I’m sure there will be more punishment of somekind and I need to accept it and not pout after.  I have a real problem with  getting the “How dare you do this to me” look on my face when he punishes me and acting bitchy.  Those are the times when I need to remember my place and when it’s over, it’s over and we go on….instead of me then wanting to punish him for punishing me.  It doesn’t have to be so complicated - I do it to myself by resisting the very thing I want….his total control over me.  Oh, the hardest to learn is the least complicated *smiles*