I’m bipolar and having this disease fucking sucks!  I take Lithium and Lamictal everyday just to be sane and I hate it.  I don’t want to take these pills every single day for the rest of my life just to function properly.  By “properly” what I mean is - acting in a socially appropriate way. When I’m having a bipolar episode, I can get aggressive, angry, hostile, and violent, but it’s not everytime or all the time.  At those moments when it is bad, I have what the Drs. call Antisocial Behavior and a lack of impulse control.  I’ve had altercations at Walmart, Walgreen’s, Food City and probably some other places too, but I don’t remember the details. 

Large crowds of people in small places can sometimes bring an episode on and that happened to me oneday at Walmart.  This lady’s cart was blocking the entire isle and I couldn’t get around her on either side.  Now, the socially accepted thing to do would have been to politely say ”Excuse Me” and go on by after she smiled politely, said “Sorry” and moved her cart.  No problems.  What I did was, ram her cart with mine and push it into her, knocking her off balance.  I was expecting her to react with anger and I was ready for it.  At that moment, I was wanting it.  She just looked at me like I was crazy (which I was) and left.  When things like this happen, it’s like I’ve stepped outside of myself and lose all control.   I didn’t even realize I had shoved the cart into her until I had already done it.  I’m not proud of this crap.  I hate being this way and I couldn’t believe that I had done that.  I stopped shopping, paid for what I had and got the hell outta there. 

The medication is helping.  God bless Lithium!  The Walmart incident was months ago, before my meds were adjusted and it’s pretty much why my meds were adjusted.  I’m getting better at controlling it and I’m proud of myself.  Daddy is proud of me too.  I know he’s happy we found a pill combo that appears to be working for me, because as I’m sure you can imagine, having me as a slave (during an episode) can be a real pain in the ass.  He’s found over the years, the best way to handle me during one of those times is just to leave me alone.  Completely cut off and ignore me.  It’s not a punishment, it’s just I’m so aggressive and combative at that moment, that submission goes out the window.  I’m looking for a fight and he knows it.  He understands the disease.  He understands me and he’s a saint.  He knows I’m going through mental torture and all I can do is wait it out.  Almost all of my previous boyfriends dumped me because of the crazy times and in the early part of our relationship, I was convinced Daddy would get sick of the disorder, sick of me and leave too.  He said he would never leave me and almost 12 years later, he’s still here.  Seriously, my Daddy is applying for sainthood because he can handle all this drama - he says it’s because he likes a challenge.  God bless him.  *smiles*  When I have another mood swing and the episode is over, I’m fine.  All the aggression, anger, and hostility is gone.  It can really fuck with your head.

What I hate the most, is how “bipolar” translates into “crazy” in the minds of most people.  I don’t like to tell people I have it because I feel like I’m treated differently afterwards.  Alot of people don’t understand the disorder and have said things to me like “Snap out of it!” or “Get over it!”.  Trust me, this isn’t done for attention and if I could ”snap out of it” - I fucking would!  I hate the label of being menatlly ill.  I hate the stigma that goes with it.  I don’t want to be that girl, but I fucking am that girl and I hate it.  I’ve had people literally back away from me after I’ve told them about it.  It’s easy to feel isolated, alone and sometimes it feels like this disease is all I am and it sucks.  I’m not a slave, wife, mother, or a friend - I’m just bipolar girl.   

I also have periods of severe depression.  Not nearly as often as I use to.  I have what they call “rapid cycling” and without medication, I would have serveral major mood swings in one day.  When I’m up, I’m way up and when I’m down, I can get way down.   The severity of the depression varies and I can’t control it either.  It sucks.  My mind is screaming and I want so badly to snap out of it, but the numbness just feels like a lead blanket smothering me.  During those times, all I can do is wait for another mood swing to come and for the depression to lift.

It makes being a slave even more challenging.  Even though my episodes are not a daily occurrence, I still feel like a failure when they happen.  During an episode, I’m about as far from submissive as a person can get and I hate that about myself.  I know it’s hard on Daddy too because it’s like he’s lost me for a little while.  My body is here, but the mind is somewhere in a bad place.  When it’s over, I always feel shame and apologize for anything I’ve said or done to him during that time.  He always forgives me, hugs and kisses me and says it’s ok, but I always still feel guilty.  I don’t get punished for having an episode because he said it would be like punishing a person with epilepsy for having a seizure.  That makes sense to me and I’m so grateful to him.  I love Daddy so much just for being the wonderful, understanding and compassionate man he is.  Love his sadistic side too. *smiles*