I had a “bipolar episode” yesterday, I wish there was a cure for this damn disorder because at those times, I really hate being inside my own head. I lashed out at Daddy. Not proud of this, actually very ashamed of myself and feeling guilty. I was in a “mood” and Daddy tried to hold me and at that moment it felt constricting, confining, suffocating and I couldn’t handle it. I wanted him to let me go and I started hitting him - it happened before I knew I was even doing it. I just reacted. Then I went to the bedroom and cried. After I calmed down, we talked and got everything OK between us again and the rest of the day was great. *smiles*
Later on, I went to the video store and rented “Dead Silence” - it’s an excellent horror flick and “The Return” which sucked - don’t waste your time or money. The kids were in bed and we had a great time on the couch just the two of us watching the movies. When we went to bed, that’s when things got kinda messed up again. I went right to sleep, but I soon woke up to Daddy fingering me and pushing up against me. He put his cock in my ass with no lube and it was tight, he kept pushing and working his way in (the feeling of the sphincter muscle relaxing is still weird for me) and then he just reamed my asshole. Next he did something he had never done before and it’s what kinda messed me up - he pulled his dick out of my ass and ordered me to taste my own ass on his cock. I didn’t want to do it, but I did it and I felt like I was being punished. I’m not an “ass” person. I don’t like anal sex, but Daddy loves it so there you go. It fucked with my head. After he came, he snuggled with me a little then turned over to go to sleep. I tried to sleep, but I was feeling restless and couldn’t.
I got up to get a coke, have a smoke and try to figure out what the hell had just happened. I was confused because it felt like I had been punished for lashing out earlier during a bipolar episode and he’s never punished me for that before. If he was going to punish me for it, I couldn’t understand why he was punishing me hours after the incident had happened and after we’d had so much fun watching movies all night together. Daddy got up and came in the living room to find out why I was up and he could tell something was bothering me. I asked him if what had just happened was a punishment and he said No. He explained that it was simply because he wanted to it. He couldn’t sleep, he got horny, he knows how much I hate being woken up after I’m asleep, he wanted to fuck my ass and then he felt like making me taste my own ass. Case closed. I immediately felt better. Knowing that it was done simply because he wanted to do it made all the difference in the world. I explained what I thought had happened and we talked a little more about how he wouldn’t punish me for having a “bipolar moment” and how he can tell the difference between when I’m just in a rotten mood and when I’m “cycling”. I felt such relief. I should’ve known or remembered really, that when Daddy punishes me, he always makes sure I know I’m being punished and for what. Damn my faulty thought processes. lol
When we went back to bed, we snuggled a little and I fell asleep happy that we had sorted everything out between us and that I had gotten to taste my own ass, even though I didn’t particularly like it, I’m happy he pushes my boundaries. *smiles*
i so know how you feel. i am bi polar, too, and i have had so many moments like the one that you desribed. i seldom get punished when i lash out (although there was one incredibly humilitaing punishment that i will never forget), but i ALWAYS feel guilty.
It took my Master a long time to come to terms with my mood swings and ups and downs, but we are working through it…It is never easy, is it?
No, it doesn’t seem to get any easier - damn it! *smiles* I’m glad you can relate to it, it helps knowing I’m not the only bipolar slave in the world.
i’ve been diagnosed “bipolar with depression”,among other things. i have very serious SAD and as if all that’s not enough, i have very impressive mood swings from being permanently perimenopausal. and then there’s the ADD…
being owned, and by a loving and tolerant man, has done wonders for my state of mind and fragile ego. my psychiatrist calls my master a “stabilizing influence.” (i haven’t told her about the D/s but have dropped enough details about his trying to instill some structure and discipline in my life that she may have figured it out; she’s a very smart woman.)
the best part of it all is that he’s largely able to keep my mood swings in perspective. he just rides them out, doesn’t take them personally, and laughs fondly when i come to my sense the next day and crawl back with a red face and profuse apologies. (the crawling is metaphorical, as our relationship is largely conducted in absentia, which makes it all either harder or easier, depending on your point of view).
maybe there should be a scientific study on how D/s (or M/s) can be therapeutic in cases of bipolar disorder. certainly, some aspects of it relate to what is recommended for people with ADD.
I agree, there should be some kind of study done. I’m glad you can relate to what I wrote because I hestitated even mentioning I’m bipolar on this blog. *smiles*