Oh Lord, today was a doosey.  Instead of a having a bipolar episode - I had a bipolar day.  Mood swings galore.  Daddy did what he could to help me through it, but really there isn’t anything anyone can do - I just have to go through it and wait for a calmer mood swing to come along.  It’s hell to be trapped screaming inside your own mind with no relief in sight. 

The medications help alot, but they aren’t a cure.  On occasion, like today, I still cycle rapidly and go through periods of major aggression and then the pendulum swings and I’m calm and docile again.  It’s literally like being two different people - Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde.  I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again, I would not wish this nightmare on even my worst enemy.  I wish they did brain transplants because I want a new one. lol  I want one that doesn’t have faulty wiring in it.  The Drs. don’t know what to do for it, they give me pills, pills and more pills and when the dosage no longer seems effective, they just up it or try me on something else. 

Daddy wasn’t here for the major breakdown I had and I wish he had been because he’s always a calming influence on me.  Even when I’m aggressive, Daddy is still a safe haven.  To continually put up with it, I know he loves me.  Some say love is the death of a M/s or D/s relationship and to an extent I can see their point.  It probably would be easier for the Master to push harder in scenes and go further with the pain if they didn’t really have much of an emotional investment in their slave or sub.  Personally, I’m glad he loves me as much as he does.  I feel safer and more secure - especially during a bipolar episode.  I know that if I were with a Master that didn’t really love me, I’d have a major episode like today where my emotions were running wild and I’m feeling not very submissive and oh so aggressive and he’d cut me loose.  I couldn’t deal with that.  I need the love.  I need to know that I’m his no matter what.

Anyway, back to my major episode.  Daddy was at work and I was here with the kids.  Bipolar mood swings, hyper-active 3 year old and fussy teething infant DO NOT mix well together.  I snapped at my kids alot all day long.  I got really frustrated when I couldn’t get the baby to eat her baby food and before I even knew what I was doing - I threw the food across the room and it splattered all over the wall and floor.  I felt immediately guilty for losing it in front of my kids and of course I was angry at myself for not maintaining control, but that’s what they mean by lack of impulse control.  I also wasn’t happy that I now had a huge mess to clean up, but it was my own damn fault for throwing food in the first place.

Later on the kids and I were running errands and I felt a bad one coming on.  I hate driving while having an episode, it has the possibility of becoming a dangerous situation.  It’s not good to be overly aggressive behind the wheel of a car going 50mph down the highway.  A car in front of me started slowing down to turn, but instead of getting over onto the shoulder and out of the way, they just damn near came to stop on the highway to turn.  I lost it.  I swerved into the other lane, laid on the horn, flipped them off and was yelling obscenities.  I had my kids in the car.  Not good. 

Another good example of how night and day different a bipolar episode can make me - yesterday Daddy sent me to the grocery store wearing a shirt that showed off the scars on my chest.  The cashier noticed and I was embarrassed, but thrilled.  Now, had I been having a bipolar episode, I would have taken her staring at my chest like that as an aggressive act and I would have probably said something like “What?  You got a fucking a problem?  You want to fucking say something to me…….”  You get the point.  Night and Day. 

I hope to one day get it all under control and never have a day like this one again.