There is something that’s been weighing on my mind for awhile about some BDSM relationships and this is not a knock on anyone, but it is something I don’t understand. I’m going to write this from a female sub/slave and a male dominant stand point, but insert whatever gender roles work for you.
I don’t understand how a woman can be married to one man, but then serve another. How does that work? How can you be one man’s wife and another man’s slave? Does the husband know about his wife’s Master? Is he hurt by it or does he just not care anymore? How can she claim to love her husband, but then claim to also love and adore her Master? What if he said “Leave your husband” would she just toss her husband under the bus like that? If you can’t get what you need or want from your spouse, then why stay married? I’m thinking they stay married because of the kids, money and other obligations, but isn’t that all just a cop-out? Having your cake and eating it too.
I’m not judging anyone and I’m not saying that what they are doing is wrong, I just know that I could never do it. Daddy and I did not come into our relationship as Master/slave. We were married 8 years before I discovered BDSM and realized who I was. I was afraid he’d think I was sick and talking to him about it was very difficult. To my happy surprise he admitted to having fantasies of tying me up, beating me, etc…. Had he not been into it, I would have tried to shelve my kinky side until it all got to be too much to bear and then I would’ve said I wanted a divorce. I really believe that once that light switch is flipped on - it can’t be turned off.
I guess that’s my big question - why stay married if you’re essentially just going to cheat on your spouse? I would love to hear from anyone that’s in this type of relationship, maybe try to understand why. Let me reiterate that I’m NOT judging anyone for how they live their life, I’m just curious how it all works out for everyone involved, especially the spouse.
I actually had been thinking about this not to long ago. My husband decided he didn’t have what it takes to own me. And it crushed me. Things were so perfect at first and then nothing!
Everyone I talked to said to get a Dom outside the marriage.
I thought about it…
There would be limits.. It would be play, but without sexual contact..Meaning no head no sex no kissing…Nothing like that. IT was the D/s..the servitude I wanted.
My husband pitched a fit at the idea. He would not allow it. It was cheating…
Now looking from his side..I think I would see it as cheating also. I couldn’t do it. I still love the idea of a non sexual Dom, but it’s not for me, not right now. I have a family and we have enough everyday problems. We don’t need to add any more.
Just my thoughts.
~~jane
Well good post for starters. i am in the very type of relationship you write about today. i have been married for almost 7 years, and yes my husband is full aware of Master, he even went down with me to meet Him and O/our families get together on a regular basis. My hubby and i tried the lifestyle together and it did not work out, my hubby is also more sub than Dom and it created more issues and havoc in our day to day life. i will never leave my hubby, and he always comes first in my life, that is an understanding that Master and i have agreed on from the start. Master helps me organize and manage all aspects of my life, and even helps me see how i can manage family time or make things run smoother. Lots of open honest communication is needed constantly, and give and take to make this work….but it does work well. My husband knows what types of things are involved when i serve Master, but does not wish to have every single detail in his face. He is very loving and supportive of my needs, and makes sure i have them met whether it is he that can give them to me or not. It is not always easy, but it is very rewarding……for all of U/us. Both Master and hubby are very strong loving men, and i am very blessed to have them both. This type of relationship is not for everyone and yes there are times when i wish i didn’t have to go outside my marriage, but i am blessed to have such a wonderful, understanding hubby who loves me deeply and is still taking this journey with me as much as he can.
I knew a couple like this and never understood it either. I suppose for some the line is clearly drawn. For others, ’sharing’ oneself in this manner is mutually acceptable. I pretty much gave up my lifestyle to be married, and if BG ever came back I would choose my husband, as much as I may miss what he and I had together. For me, marriage is commitment, just as being a slave was a committment to me back then.
Slave Jane - I’m so sorry to hear that your husband decided he could no longer be your Master, I can’t imagine how painful that must be. I wish you all the best and hope that oneday you have what it is you need and want. *hugs*
Master D’s new pet - Thank you for taking the time to comment. I must say your hubby is one extremely understanding man. I can’t imagine a husband be cool with knowing his wife is having sex with someone else. Even if it’s non-sexual, it’s hard for me to imagine a husband being cool with his wife being with another man. I’m happy to hear it’s working out for everyone involved and I wish all of you the best. *smiles*
Mikayla - That’s how I see it. Marriage is a committment and if it’s not working out and you can’t get your needs met inside your marriage, then why even bother to stay married? *hugs*
Do you consider poly relationships as cheating as well? I know this is not the topic, but I’m curious, of course you don’t have to answer.
No, I don’t think poly is cheating because both partners are aware of and involved in the relationship. Daddy and I are looking to add a female play-partner to our relationship. It’s not because we’re becoming poly that I think that’s ok and the other type is not. I’m not judging anyone. If the spouse is cool with what their husband/wife is doing outside their marriage that they aren’t really apart of then I think that’s incredibly open-minded and great.
After I read your post I talked to my Master because I was pondering it all. I understand that you aren’t judging anyone, I asked the question because some do think poly is cheating, so I was just curious.
I do hope that you know that I wasn’t saying you were judging anyone, so if the question was inappropriate, then I apologize. I’m running on no sleep, because of being manic, so I’m rambling.
No, not at all! Don’t apologize. I keep repeating that I’m not judging anyone not because I thought that’s what you were saying, but because I just want it known to anyone that reads this blog that I’m open to life-style choices that don’t mirror my own.
LIFE IS A BLESSING; ITS A DELICATESSEN - BUT I THINK I’LL JUST STICK TO ONE SLOPPY JOE! SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I COULD NEVER SEE ME IN THAT POSITION, AND YET, IF THATS SOMEONES THING, THEN GOD BLESS ‘EM.- ANYWAY, I’M TOO INSECURE AND JEALOUS. I’D RATHER SPEND MY TIME KEEPING MY RELATIONSHIP TIGHT THEN TO SPEND IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE IN OUR BED;especially if her or he is prettier than me PLUS I’M SUCH A DITZ; I WOULDN’T KNOW WHO TO GO TO FIRST.
HOPE YOUR HAVING A NICE MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND.
LOVE, PEACE AND ALL THAT BS
suzanne
“and all that BS” now that’s funny! I agree, I couldn’t be in that type of relationship either, but if it works for them and everyone (especially the spouse) is happy - then more power to ‘em. You need to see “Diary of the Dead” if you haven’t - awesome movie!!
Ok, I’ll go by your word-i don’t see it in the movies here, can i just rent it at Blockbuters?
For whatever reason it wasn’t in movie theatres and went straight to video. It should be at Blockbuster’s, they seem to have everything. *smiles*
i am 46, married for 25 years and we have children together, who are awesome i might add.i do love my husband and my family.
i never knew about this lifestyle before a few years ago, but there were things i would ask my husband to do but was either laughed at or simply told “no”- because he loved me and didnt want to hurt me. so, i quit asking and just stuffed those feelings down and away.
i met Master online- we bacame friends… He never let on that He lived this lifestyle until a year or so after we had been talking. He told me things, had me look up information, had me talk to people- He answered every question i had and still have. He asked, and i chose to be His in 2006 and i still belong to Him today. with Master i can be me- i can have my needs met and i can meet His. i do believe its possible to love 2 men- i will never leave my husband and Master will never leave His wife ( yes, He is married also with a family). our families come first, as they should. i am owned, collared and marked by Master- i am expected to follow certain rules at all times and im expected to perform certain tasks for Him daily- i do it all happily. its not play to me- its as real as it is to anyone else living this lifestyle. i can only be with Him physically 3-4 times a year given our distance, but it works for us. i can understand your feelings that this kind of relationship is “cheating”… maybe it is- my husband does not know about Master or what i do and he would never approve if i told him about it. i will never tell him about it either. he is safe sexually- theres no need to worry about me bringing any std’s home to him- he is my husband and has my respect. we have a good family together, we are close and loving- maybe closer than alot of families- but this thing inside me- this want and need i have to be dominated- to be owned will not go away and i refuse to stuff it away and live without it. but thats not to say if Master ever released me that i would look for another Owner, because i know i would not. so, i guess in essence, if Master decided He no longer wanted me, this part of me would be put away- to be dusted off and revisited in my thoughts and memories.( funny how i would be willing to set aside my feelings then, but not now huh…hmmm) i cant really explain why i dont feel im cheating on my husband or my marriage- but i dont…of course this lifestyle would work best if the people involved were married to each or single and only committed to each other..but obviously thats not an option for everyone. i guess im not being to clear- guess that happens when i sit down here as soon as i climb out of bed..lol…anyway, good post. maybe i will write a post about this myself later today ( when my mind is clearer and my hair is combed..lol.)
I appreciate you taking the time to comment on this post. I think I see where you’re coming from about getting your needs met and not wanting to disrupt your family’s entire way of life just because mom is now kinky. Maybe I’m way off base, but that’s the feeling I got after reading your post. I wish all of you the very best in life