The title is a quote from the movie “Mallrats” - love that movie!! We like to quote movie lines… it’s something we’ve just always done.
In my last post, I didn’t really want to go into what’s pissed me off because I was still processing it myself. Sometimes writing it out helps to clear things up and other times it all comes out a big jumbled mess, so I decided to keep the post short and sweet until I figured it all out in my head.
What has me upset is - I want more from my slavery, I want to give more. I want to FEEL owned even during the vanilla times when I’m chasing an active toddler while also dealing with a crying baby. I feel so frazzled during these times that it would be so nice if I could feel like something else besides a frumpy mom. It’s great when the kids go to bed, he comes home from work and it’s just the two of us free to be who we are Master/slave. Most of the time it’s great to have to crawl around the house, naked to get things for him and he enjoys watching me walk back on my knees bringing it to him. Sometimes he makes me push things to him using only my nose. I love humiliation play and I want more. Sometimes more doesn’t seem like an option, he seems hesitant and I now I know why.
I would love to have the kind of domination in my life where my wants/needs/desires didn’t particularly matter. I would love it if he would/could beat it into my head that his wants/needs/desires come before mine. I would love to have a certain level of fear of him. Not the kind of fear where I’m afraid for my life or that he’d maim me, but the kind of fear that is like “Do as I say - or else!!” Sometimes and though we are getting better at it, the “or else” isn’t there. When it is, it’s usually not what I pictured in my fantasy. I actually started believing he was just too nice of guy and that my world was crumbling because he wasn’t as in to all of this as I am. I was wrong.
Today was a bad day - I stomped around and acted out and nothing was said or done. Yes, the kids were right there and they are a large part of why my day was going to hell. Yes, he can’t very well slam me against the wall right there in front of them and yell at me about my place in our dynamic, but sometimes I really wish he would do something - anything. I want him to take my submission from me. I’m not intentionally trying to take my power back, but if it’s not being used and it’s just flopping around like fish, then yeah - guess I do. I have a tendency to fall back in to vanilla wife mode too and want to win the fight. I want to be right. It’s a holdover from when we were partners - you’ve heard the saying “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. That was me. It’s a behaviour I haven’t learned to let go of and I really do want to. I resist, but that’s when I want him to TAKE the submission from me. I can’t give it up, I’m fighting to win and even though I know I should, that it’s my place to be wrong (even if I’m not), submission is soooooooooo hard for me when I’m angry.
Which brings me to what I learned from him tonight. The reason he won’t push me further or harder, even though I’ve made it clear I want him to is because I’m bipolar. He’s afraid to push me because he’s afraid of what reaction I will have to it. My track record is not good. I’ve come unglued many, many times - I shoved a shopping cart into someone once at Walmart and for that I’m labeled for life as a hothead. In my defense, I was not on medication at the time and now I am. Yes, I still have episodes, but they aren’t nearly as bad or as violent. Doesn’t matter. I still have episodes and that’s the problem. Whenever I’m in a pissy mood and stomping around the house feeling all icky inside - it’s chalked up to being bipolar. I don’t like it. It’s way too easy to hide behind. I could excuse any behaviour I have and the reason I disobeyed any rule to being bipolar and I don’t like it. I don’t want or like the label of being unstable. It’s not who I really am. He knows me and he knows it’s not always bipolar related, but sometimes maybe it is. Often I don’t see it when I’m having an episode and only see it after he points it out to me.
I don’t know how to get past this. How do we reach a new level in our relationship if he won’t take me to it because I’m bipolar? All this just sucks. I understand his concerns and his reservations about it. This is why he’s in charge - he’ll see a line in the sand and ponder it for a bit deciding which way to proceed and I’ll see the same line and if left up to me, jump right over it because I’m the girl who will leap before she looks.
I need to calm down. Hell, maybe I’m in an episode right now, lol It’s not up to me to direct what road we take or if we ever cross that line. This is his show to run however he wants and I know all that, but still I can’t stop the ache for more, more, MORE! I want him to shove me down, beat me, hurt me, make me cry and brainwash me out of my thoughts and into his.
*heavy sigh*
One day - I believe that maybe one day my mental illness won’t be an issue because we will have found a way to either conquer it or to go around it. God I hope so. I hate this slave angst I’ve got now and I want him to fix it. I want him to fix me, but he can’t. He can’t control my disorder. I sure as hell can’t control it (I’ve tried countless times and failed every single time). The only thing that can control it are two stupid little pills I take three times a day.
Alright….. letting go. I’m going to work on letting go and stop trying to drive the car. Maybe we’ll reach a new plateau and maybe we won’t. I should be thankful for what I do have and stop looking over the the fence for greener grass.
Rose
Oh Rose, I read that entry and I had mixed feelings. I totally understand the desire to be a complete slave - and have it ALL The time, not just select times. Then I read about you feelings like a ‘frumpy’ mom and I thought, “poor Rose, being a Mom is the BEST thing about any woman.” I also thought that being a Mom to a toddler is much like being a slave - you are a slave to your child’s wants, needs and desires. While it is not the same as being told to suck cock or getting spanked, your life is completely for your child - and that, I believe, is the definition of ultimate slavery - the complete loss of yourself for the benefit of another!
I hope you find peace with this inner turmoil - cause your child needs you MORE than Daddy does. While I am sure you are giving your all to both roles - sometimes we have to sacrifice the roles we like better to do better. Did any of that make sense???
I know you mean well, but this comment has kinda pissed me off. I’m not a child so you can drop the holier than thou tone. I KNOW that my kids need me more than Daddy does, they come first and we all have sacrifices to make. This post wasn’t about motherhood and how I’m coping within it or not. This post was about my desires as Daddy’s slave.
Rose
Holier than thou! Whoa, I think you need to step back and take a breath! “Tone?” The only tone is the one in YOUR head as you read my words. I didn’t deserve that. I write exactly what I mean - and I meant what I said. I commented on ONE part of your post, because what you said struck me as a Mom. I felt badly that you were feeling conflicted and FELT that you were feeling ‘less than’ fullfilled because you are a Mom first, a slave second, most times.
While we are on the subject of holier than thou, it seems as though when you don’t agree with a comment you get all up in arms. If that is the reception I am gonna get here, then perhaps I will keep my comments to myself or not visit your site at all.
Mikayla
I’m sorry, I probably did overreact even though sometimes I do pick up a condescending vibe from your comments. Maybe it is all just in my head. I don’t want to alienate you, I’ve come to think of you as a “friend” which maybe sounds silly since we don’t actually know each other.
I don’t expect everyone that comments to sing my praises and agree with me, I feel I can handle disagreements for what they are - a different point of view. Thinking back on it, the only time I remember going off on someone before was the lady who basically accused me of advocating child porn.
I don’t want to hide behind the bipolar thing because it feels like a cop-out, but that’s exactly what’s going on with me right now. I’ve been having more episodes lately. Anyway, I’m feeling better now and for what it’s worth, I am sorry that I attacked you.
Rose
You know Rose, I think we all overreact at times. The issues we talk about here are real - and the stress that goes along with them is real too. Perhaps I am a little jealous that you get to be a slave (as you know I miss that part of my life) and it might come off as I am judging you for it. Also, I have been told that I have a very ‘authoritative’ manner of writing. I think it is because I write so plainly. I didn’t mean to sound condescending, and I certainly wasn’t judging you. Let’s just call it a wash and go back to being ‘friends.’
Thank you, I would really like to bury this incident and go back to being friends too.
Rose
I love how open and honest you are in this post. It reads like you are opening your thought process to all of us.
Thank you
Rose
So the first question I will ask are you having more episodes than normal? If so, do your meds need to be adjusted? I of course ask this, because that’s what I’m often asked when my episodes get worse.
I tend to have more depressive episodes, but on the rare occassions when I do have more violent outbrust, there are a few things that Master and I have found work for me. We have several canes, He lets me take one and beat the bed, that helps get my anger out. We also do tickle therapy - I love to be tickled and when I’m ticked off or whatever, tickling serves as an outlet for me, because laughing one gets the endorphines going and two it can be done in front of our daughter - usually because we end up tickling her as well.
I know that Master does walk on eggshells and He’s afraid of what I might do in any of my episodes, but it’s taken time and lots, lots, and lots on patience.
There are times when I wish I didn’t have bipolar, but it makes me who I am, it also took me quite some time to get my brain to understand that despite taking medication I still wasn’t going to have episodes and that pisses me off still.
I rambled yet again.
Kari
Kari
Please feel free to ramble anytime you want. Alot of the things you said made sense, I never thought of taking the cane and beating the bed to get the anger/frustration/violence out. I will try that because it struck a cord with me when I read it as something that could possibly help me, which will help Daddy and our relationship. Thank you for that suggestion!
We have a lot in common, I hate knowing that Daddy walks on eggshells sometimes around me, it makes me feel like the world’s worst slave because as you know - submission goes right out the window during an episode.
I hate being bipolar too, I was diagnosed two years ago and I still haven’t accepted it yet. I go see the Doctor in a couple of weeks and he always asks about the cycles (I cycle rapidly and I’m assuming you probably do too) when I tell him about the 3 major episodes I’ve had in last 2 weeks, he probably will up the dosage.
Rose
I know so well how submission goes out the window, Master will try to reign me back in under His control, but I fight, He gets mad, and then we just end up have a yucky fight. Ugh!!
I was diagnosed 10 years ago and I haven’t accepted it either. Even today my meds need to be tweaked with. I did have one doctor telling me that there is hope I can get off of my meds. I’m a little more than bipolar, so you might be easier to medicate than I am.
I do cycle fast and it annoys the crap out of me. I just get used to being riding a mellow wave, then I’ll go up, then down, I prefer the mellow wave and over the years my mellow waves are getting more frequent, as I learn to handle it all better. Most people would think that after 10 years I’d be an expert at keeping things under control, but it’s not like some disorders, diseases, or other things.
You can always email me if you want to talk in private or more in depth, I will help is much as I can, I don’t mind sharing things that work for me, because the times that you have shared about your experiences it has helped me a great deal, so I am once again happy to say that I started reading you!!
Thank you, I enjoy your blog too and I’ll send you an email tomorrow.
Rose
You certainly have a full plate, being a mom of young children, being bi polar and wanting
your slave needs to be met. I just want to wish you the best of luck and maybe that advice with the can will help.
You also might ask Daddy to start a scene even when you may be in an episode. Maybe the scene
and feeling like a slave will help. just a thought.
and, hopefully, the doc can adjust your meds.
Oh, if only having a scene during an episode would help. We’ve tried it and it did not end well. During an episode, I’m not even the same person and the person I become is viloent, aggressive, and won’t back down (submit) for anything.
I hope the cane trick works, but I’m not looking forward to trying it - trying it means an episode has happened again and even though I know a some point it’s going to, I don’t like to think about it.
Motherhood, mental illness, being a slave, it is all alot to juggle, but I know I’m not the only one trying to find a balance so that helps. Having my meds adjusted probably would help - certainly couldn’t hurt.
Rose
Sorry to hear you tried my suggestion and it didn’t end well. I guess you have to hope that
adjusting your meds will help. And at least you have a very supportive dom so you’re not
going through this alone. And I think they’ll continue to make advances in treating the illness that may help in the future. The fortunate thing is that you were properly diagnosed and they know how to deal with it.
Also you mentioned in the past that you’ve been knocked by posters because of your blood
thing. I hope you continue to ignore them. You would think this community would be more supportive of each other. Anyway, it’s great that you’ve found what floats your boat and are able to enjoy it
Do your thing and don’t let the small minded folks bother you
It’s funny that you wrote that suggestion because not long after I left the comment that we’ve tried it and it didn’t work, Daddy decided he needs to push me through it when I have an episode. I’m not very submissive during those times, but he’s decided it doesn’t matter - no more hiding behind the whole bipolar thing. I’m actually glad. Scared, but glad that he’s not going to let it stand in our way.
Maybe it’s the threat of aids that’s turned a lot of people off of blood sports - some of them act like we’re spreading diseases even though it’s only my blood involved. You’re right they are small minded and it is amazing how judgmental so many “open minded” people are. Whatever happened to - your kink isn’t my kink, but your kink is ok. Maybe in a perfect world the vanilla people will accept us and maybe we’ll even accept eachother, lol
Rose
Well, once you make the decision to have kids things change- my mom used to say Little kids little problems big kids big problems-once you made the decision you wanted kids things are never the same! You really can’t do any of that with the kids there! and i think it will get worse the older they get! (aren’t you glad I left a comment?!) You can’t really live the way you would like with kids! As they get older, you have to be really careful-you don’t want then thinking that their dad hits their mom and you don’t want then resenting you because they may take it as you put up with it type of thing Kids see with out seeing, -at least your kids are still young.
Suzanne
At this point in time - I would take a teenager over a toddler!
Rose
Well then you can take mine-in fact there going to college soon so thats even better! we can trade!
Whats Irish and lives on the porch?
Paddy O’furniture!
Grown kids getting ready to leave the house….sounds like a dream come true to me!! I’m so over diapers, bottles, whining, crying, tantrums, etc.. it’s not even funny anymore. lol
This isn’t a joke, but it is one of those things to ponder - If you choked a smurf, what color would it turn?
Rose